literature

Egypt Turns Us On

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Egypt Turns Us On

I never thought I would ever enjoy pollution, poverty, filth, overpopulation, diarrhea, insistent begging, price haggling and people blatantly trying to rip me off of my money. Then again, I never thought I would enjoy Egypt enough to make me want to stay here. That is why I would like to present to you, in no particular order, the list of top 10 (that’s right, not one, not two, but t – e – n; ten) reasons why a khawaga like myself, chooses to stay in Egypt.

1. The koshari, the ta’ameya and the foul: I’m not going to let anyone disagree with me on this one. If you don’t like it, tough, good for you, and please, get out of my face. Also, I’d like to, by a show of hands, ask all you other white people in Egypt to raise your hand if you agree with me. That’s right; I knew all of you would have your arms raised – and no Daniel, you can’t raise both hands.

2. The cost of the koshari, the ta’ameya and the foul: Where the hell else in this inflation-stricken world can you get a satisfying, filling, and a rather tasty bunch of meals for a cost that is comparable to the cost of a mocha coconut Frappuccino at your nearest Starbucks?

3. The value of the gineih – cost of living in Egypt: this goes cheek-to-cheek with #2. When us white people first step foot in Egypt, we usually spend a week or two trying to budget ourselves on our dollar-based allowances. Well, it doesn’t take us long to figure out that we can blow all our loot on hashish and beer, and still have enough money leftover to feed a bunch of Egyptian families. Yes, 1 LE = $0.20 – I think that’s a pretty good deal, more so because you can do so much more with twenty cents here than you can back home.

4. The Matrix-style, traffic dodging: Everyone complains about the traffic the first few years we’re here, but deep down inside, we love the rush of living life on the edge, and having to twist and turn to get to the store across the street; it’s just somehow invigorating. So this is where I riddle you – why did the khawaga cross the road?

5. Grinding without music: Everyone enjoys physical contact – the satisfying sensation of touch. So when we walk onto the subway to go to Maadi (where we khawagas live), and get rubbed up against scores of people from all classes, each with his own varying smell, we love it! The sweat, the hair, the skin, and the big shapely butts – we love ‘em all!

6. Inhale-Exhale – we like it smoggy: Back at home, we’re used to waking up in the morning, stepping out into our gardens, and inhaling fresh, unpolluted, oxygen-enriched air. Here in kahira though, it is quite a different story. The concept of fresh, unpolluted air is no more than an urban legend, Mr. Santa Clause, or undead-Elvis. We crib, we bitch and we complain, but at the end of the day, let me tell you, we secretly love it. It makes us feel dirty, clogs our noses, and stains our clothes, but still, we can’t get enough. In fact, it’s almost like a free spray-on tan. Just don’t tell anyone I told you this though.

7. The oh-so-great taxis: There is nowhere else in the world would you be able to get into a car and have someone do almost all of the following in a span of 20 minutes: a) try and rip you off beyond measure b) teach you every possible cuss-word in the colloquial dictionary c) drop you off at the wrong place because he’s lost d) attempt to talk to you in English e) masturbate to any random object he fancies f) offer you a cigarette or blow smoke right into your face. Bad news though, they now have those disgustingly clean and lawfully-priced, air-conditioned yellow taxis.

8. The Deliver-all system: Every single night, before I go to bed, I take a minute to thank God. I first thank him for Otlob.com. Next, I thank him for the pharmacy that delivers. The store down the street that brings my water comes next. Then there’s my cell phone bill delivery, not to mention the guy who comes to pick up my DSL subscription fee. Finally, I thank him for the previously unheard of, McDonald’s delivery. Then sometimes take their own sweet time with it, but at the end of the day, everyone delivers, making this a flawless system. Amen.

9. Getaways in the area: When one needs a way out of the hustle-bustle and busy, stuck-in-a-rut Cairene lifestyle, one can visit the numerous number of travel agencies strewn across downtown Cairo, and pay an almost-nothing rate to spend a few days in any of the top-notch getaways around Egypt, including Sharm El Sheikh, Dahab, Ras-Shattan, El Gouna, Hurghada and others. The options are limitless, and clientele is usually limited to white people. You’ve got to love the options though – why wouldn’t you, with the quality intoxication, fresh air, and the setting perfected for lethargy.

10. Everybody likes us: Whether it’s because they’re trying to rip us off, feel special by talking to a khawaga, trying to make conversation, broaden their cultural horizons, or they’re simply being nice, the first thing one notices on setting foot in this poverty stricken nation is how friendly the people are – cab drivers, beggars, the salesmen who speak every imaginable language on earth – they all love us, and it’s hard not to love them back. Just plan an evening trip to Khan-Khalili, and you’ll know what I’m on about. And of course, we like Khan-Khalili too, but so does everyone else, khawaga or not.


All that and more, it’s hard for one to dislike this country enriched by the Nile. In case no one noticed, I didn’t mention the pyramids on that list, and that’s probably because despite my two years as a khawaga here, I haven’t checked off the first thing on my to-do checklist; to visit The Pyramids. But with all those other things going on, who really cares about a bunch of triangular blocks of mud filled with mummified cats - right?
Artist's comments:

"A piece (list) written for the 'Top 10' section of the magazine Mask Off that i write for. This list is only pseudo-serious, and is to be digested accordingly.

Note: I'm may be a Khawaga here in Egypt, but I'm by no means white. I'm brown like curry, and was spray painted merely for this article.

Translations:
khawaga - foreigner
koshari - an egyptian dish made of rice, lentils, noodles, and a spicy red sauce, topped with fried onions and chick-peas
ta’ameya - fried balls of ground fava beans/chick-peas
foul - and egyptian fava bean dish
gineih - one egyptian pound (LE) ~ $0.17
hashish - hash, the recreational drug
kahira - arabic for 'Cairo'
Otlob.com - a wonderful food delivery website for Cairo and Alexandria
Khan-Khalili - a busy touristic attraction (marketplace) where one can buy egyptian souvenirs

(please ask if any other tranlations/clarifications are required)"

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munchaiz's avatar
hahaha.. Precisely! damn true.. you get such life in Cairo, and outside Cairo you get another life... Ever thought about trying??? :D